Cases: What Do I Say To My Kids?

CASE: Mr. K was a 41 year-old white married male who came to the hospital for a tissue biopsy and was subsequently diagnosed with advanced adenocarcinoma of unknown primary origin. His disease had progressed to the point where the tumors could not be debulked. The previous week Mr. K had been working full time and leading a very active lifestyle, so his diagnosis and prognosis came as a shock to him and his family. The primary medical team consulted the Palliative Care Team (PCT) to assist with symptom management, discussion of treatment options and goals, and planning of end-of-life (EOL) care.

Once Mr. K became physically comfortable and accepting of his poor prognosis, he voiced concerns about how to talk to his 7 year-old son and 9 year-old daughter about his illness and likely death. The RN for the PCT provided Mr. K with books that aid parents in discussing death and dying with children, and the behavioral medicine specialist with the PCT assisted Mr. K in applying these materials to the conversation he would have with his children.

First, as a means of understanding each child’s developmental level, the behavioral medicine specialist asked Mr. K to simply talk about his two children – how they spent their time, what subjects were they good at in school, and what, if any, exposure they had to the death of a loved one or pet. This discussion naturally led into Mr. K identifying words and concepts about illness and death that his children would understand. Mr. K decided he would say the following to his children, “Sometimes people get sick and the doctors can cure them. Sometimes people get sick and the doctors can’t cure them. The doctors don’t think they can cure me, but I am hoping for a miracle because I don’t ever want to leave you.”

Although his message was brief, Mr. K feared he would emotionally break down when having this conversation with his children. He wanted to be “strong” for them so that they would not be too frightened. To promote his sense of self-control Mr. K practiced his conversation with the behavioral medicine specialist who in turn coached him on breathing techniques that would help him stay in control of his emotions.

The practice helped, but Mr. K still feared that “we’ll all end up crying and that’s not going to any of us any good in the long run.” So then the behavioral medicine specialist worked with him on identifying specific ways in which he was a father to his children, e.g., he helped his children with their homework and he read to them every night before they went to bed. She suggested that after he gives them the bad news and answers their questions, Mr. K might reassure his children that he’s still going to help them with their homework and read to them every night.

DISCUSSION:
Young children who are informed of their parents’ terminal illness are less anxious than those who are not told , but many terminally ill parents are daunted by this emotionally stressful task. Deciding how to break the news to children is made more difficult when taking into account the developmental level of each child. Palliative Care Teams often have several books available that guide parents through the process of discussing death and dying with their children. Parents’ abilities to apply the information in these books can be further enhanced with a session provided by the behavioral medicine consultant. The individual session allows parents to tailor their approach to their own families and to practice having and controlling very powerful feelings.

References
1.  Seccareccia D. (2008). When a parent is dying: Helping parents explain death to their children.  Can Fam Physician. 54 (12): 1693-1694. (OPEN ACCESS PDF)

2. Rosenheim, E., Reicher, R. (1985). Informing children about a parent’s terminal illness. J Child Psychol Psychiatry Allied Disc. 26:995-998.

3. Siegel, K., Raveis, V., Karus, D. (1996). Pattern of communication with children when a parent has cancer. In L. Baider, L. Cooper (Eds) Cancer and the family, pp 109-128. John Wiley and Sons: New York.

4. Sinclair CT. (2012) What is the right age for chilldren to go to a funeral? Pallimed [internet].